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States of Being and Consciousness in "Coma" The Quantum of Consciousness


In our dyad there have been few more dramatic episodes than the one that is recounted here. The episode started with the purchase of a bicycle, a ten-speed racing model from Japan, costing eighty dollars. I went to Ventura, which is about twenty miles from our home, purchased the bicycle, hooked it onto the front of our VW motor home and drove it back to Decker Canyon.

The next day I used the bicycle at our home in response to a call from Toni.

Several days before, we had installed a locking gas cap on the VW. Toni had left the house and taken the VW down the canyon. At Trancas she tried to get gasoline, found the gas cap locked and she realized that I had not given her the key. In response to her call, I decided to meet her down the road to give her the key.

I got on the bicycle, looked down at my feet with great joy and said to myself as it were "This is the first time I have been on a bicycle with such joy since I was a little boy first learning how to ride a bicycle/' I went down our driveway and down Decker School Road with many turns in its slight slope and met Toni at about the third turn from the house. I handed her the key, she turned around and went down Decker Canyon road. I followed her.

This was a mistake. The bicycle had been untested. It had been freshly assembled at the Broadway store in Ventura the day before and turned out to be defectively put together. It was my responsibility to check out such devices, but this time I failed to do so.

As I proceeded down Decker School Road I passed a blue panel van coming out of a side road. I noticed this out of the corner of my vision as I went by on the bicycle. At Decker Canyon Road, I stopped as I approached the main highway, looked both ways and went on. I made the first two turns on this rather steep highway and on the third turn, the bicycle went out from under me and I hit the road.

From that point on, for five days and nights, I went in and out of consciousness and had what is technically called "retrograde amnesia" regarding the episode and for what happened externally.

The first time that I returned to consciousness I was sitting beside the road and someone on my left-hand side was arguing with me. I was struggling back to consciousness and I said to him, "I am badly hurt. I need a doctor." He said, "What is wrong?" I said, "I have lost my right eye and my brains are coming out on the right side of my head above the eye." He said, "Nonsense, you have a cut that is bleeding over your right eye and the blood is running into your right eye. Take your hand away and you will see."

I took my hand away and saw that he was correct. There was blood on my hand and on my clothes. My jumpsuit was torn and I suddenly realized that I was badly hurt.

He said, "Get into my panel truck and I will take you home."

My medical training told me, Don't move till you have assessed the damage. You may sever your spinal cord or something equally as drastic, so stay perfectly still until you know what is happening in the bodystill in shock, no painyet. To the man on my left I said, "I am very badly hurt in my right shoulder; I can't possibly get into your panel truck. Please don't push me; I must assess the damage; I am a doctor." So the man got into his panel truck and drove off. I immediately lapsed into another universe, leaving my body sitting beside the road.

"I was in a universe in which there was total atomic war taking place on a particular planet. There were several teachers present showing me what was happening and preventing me from being damaged by that war.

"The war had been started in such a way that nobody knew how it started. There were computers on that planet that controlled the warfare. The humans had been left out in the circuitry, and the hydrogen warheads from orbiting space stations were bombarding the whole 'earth' with hydrogen bombs. I saw a flash and heard a detonation some distance away from me. Somehow or other the teachers involved had provided me with glasses so that my eyes wouldn't be burnt by the flash. I felt the concussion and saw the tornado of the blast tearing away the trees and vegetation around me. I was peering out of a cave at the time and somehow was protected by the teachers from being damaged."

At this point I was suddenly brought back to the road. The man had returned and he said, "I drove up to the house address you gave me and found that you can pay the medical bills. The reason I didn't take you to the hospital was that I didn't know that you could pay, but seeing that house convinced me that you can pay."

Just then someone who was obviously very agitated drove up in a white VW bug. This individual asked "Did you hit him?" The man answered "No, I did not; he fell from a bicycle. I have put the bicycle in the panel truck."

That person then drove off and someone else arrived in a blue VW bug. She was very excited and upset and asked the man if he had seen this accident. She had seen me, bloodied, sitting by the side of the road. She had gone down the mountain, and, using one of the fire phones had phoned the Sheriff.

Suddenly there was the sound of a loud fire truck coming down the mountain and a Sheriff's car came up the mountain. Then the rescue squad arrived. (These details of the external events were given two weeks later by the witness in the blue panel truck.)

I was going in and out of consciousness at this point. I realized that rescue operations were under way and that I would eventually be taken care of, so "I" left again.

The conglomerate of cars and the fire engine came into my consciousness very briefly.

Later it turned out that the only person who recognized me was the man riding the fire truck. Several weeks before, Toni and I had gone to the fire station to register to vote; this man had registered us.

My own inner perception of this external reality was very defective and it was only with a great deal of personal work and, later, with help from the man in the panel truck, that I was able to construct what had happened. My body in coma was then taken off to the hospital in Santa Monica.

In the meantime, I saw only a glimpse of two men with shortsleeved blue uniforms, apparently the rescue squad, who put me into the ambulance. I then lapsed into unconsciousness again, into what we now call "external coma"; I was not unconscious inside.

"I was launched back onto one more of the catastrophic planets. This time ! was in another cave with the teachers, and though there was no atomic warfare, there was a heating up of the atmosphere. An incandescent gas was surrounding this planet; on the night side it was as if it were complete daylight, the gas was so bright. This effect lasted for one day. The gas then dissipated and went away. The planet went on rotating under its sun, leaving complete carnage on its surface. Almost every living thing, plants and animals, bacteria, viruses, were killed by this incandescent gas, with few exceptions. The exceptions were either deep in the sea, far enough from the surface so as not to be burned up, or in caves or in burrows. They stayed there during the time of the invasion of the gas. The few humans who survived were in caves or deep in subways, and stayed there.

Some survived deep in cellars and so on, but most of the population of the planet was wiped out.

"The teachers then said that this had not only occurred in the past history on earth as I knew it, but was recorded as history in many thousands of planets throughout the galaxy. They explained that what had happened in our case was that a star that is no longer visible, not any of those that we knew from our knowledge of astronomy, had exploded, becoming a supernova. The incandescence was the radiating gas of that supernova through which our planetary system had passed. They further explained that this was the mechanism that had wiped out the large reptiles on our planet in the dim distant past before the history of humans."

During this period I did not know of any earthside and external reality, external to the body, until I "awoke" in the hospital.

Apparently, as soon as I had arrived at the hospital, the surgeons had assessed the damage and realized that I had a collapsed right lung, which needed reinflation. Subsequently I learned that I had broken five ribs on the right, on the right side the clavicle and scapula were broken, and that I had a concussion from a blow on the right side of the head. The tip of my left elbow was shattered.

With a good deal of work in the subsequent weeks, I could finally recall falling from the bicycle. It happened so fast at the time, that it was very hard to recapture what was stored in my brain.

Inside my own head, I finally reenacted the fall and took about an hour for that fall to take place again "as if true." Something had happened to the bicycle, I knew.

"My reflexes were completely reversed from what they should have been. This was a racing bicycle with hand brakes, and I had tried the foot brake, as was on the kind of bicycle that I had learned to ride when I was a little boy. In doing so, I caused my left foot to hit the pavement, throwing the bicycle out from under me. As I began to fall, I realized that I had to get the bicycle out of the way or I would be badly damaged. I kicked it out from under me and then I hit the pavement, trying to avoid hitting the ground headfirst, protecting my head and my hands from damage. This meant that I tried a roll in the old judo jiujitsu fashion that I had learned at Cal Tech. In performing the roll, I hit on the right side of the body smashing the ribs, and the clavicle and the scapula on the right side, holding my hand up to keep it from being damaged. My left elbow hit the pavement as I rolled. There was no pain, just a feeling of total disaster."

The inside catastrophic planetary episodes were totally real to me. When I resumed consciousness in the body, while in the hospital, I was tempted to get on the missionary podium in order to warn the world that total catastrophe could take place at any instant. We should seek caves designed as the teachers taught me to design them. We should all wear radiation-proof clothing. We should all wear radiation-proof glasses. We must make sure not to be caught outside without these protective elements. I wasn't sure which catastrophe was going to take place first, the incandescent cloud, or total atomic warfare.

As I lay in the hospital, coming and going out of these strange universes, I realized that I should not play the role of the missionary. If I did, somebody would lock me up believing me to be psychotic. So I told no one what was going on inside.

Meanwhile, someone had informed Toni and she arrived at the hospital while I was still in coma during the first day. She contacted Burgess Meredith, who has been a very loyal friend of ours. The night after the operation had taken place to reinflate my lung, they went to Burgess's house and held a conversation, which he recorded on tape and I later heard.

This was a very dramatic and heartrending juncture in Toni's life and Burgess fully appreciated this. Each of them realized that I might not come back from this episode.

This episode demonstrated to me that the damage to my vehicle was such that I was projecting onto the universe certain aspects of my own knowledge and of my own particular catastrophe, my own situation. The precipitous fall, the quick concussion, led to very fast transitions into other universes.

In the hospital I did not know that I had had an operation to reinflate my lungs. I did not know anything of what went on around me because of the medication that was being administered to me. When I finally discovered, five days after the accident, that I was being medicated with tranquilizer and painkiller, I refused to take any more; my bodily consciousness was too impaired by the medication.

When I discovered that I was being sedated and tranquilized, I took the pills they gave me and held them in my mouth. When the nurse left the room, I put them under the mattress. I refused in that way to take any more medicine. I could not adequately articulate this vocally. The vehicle was so impaired by this drug overload that I could not speak; but I could act.

The nurse discovered this as soon as she changed the bed and she immediately called the doctor. She asked me if I was refusing to take medication and I said Yes. By the time the doctor came I was enough out of the medication to be able to tell him that I did not want to continue and he agreed. He said however, "You have badly damaged tissues and I would like you to continue the antibiotic." I agreed to do this, but to be sure that it was an antibiotic and that nobody was trying to fool me, I bit through the first pill that the nurse gave me and showed her that I was doing this to taste the contents. By this means I ascertained that there was at least an antibiotic present. I wasn't too sure that there wasn't something else present also, but I went on taking what they recommended and trusted the staff not to give me anything else.

This meant that I would have to begin to stand the pain of all of these breaks of the various bones. Subsequently I discovered that I was in a brace to keep my shoulders back because of the broken clavicle. There was no cast and no taping of these breaks. Without tranquilizers and painkillers and without sedation, I would have to remain in pain, sleepless, while allowing repair of these broken parts.

In medical school, a Dr. North, a surgeon, had taught us that the best way (with intelligent patients) to get complete repair of bones was to make a very careful assessment of the breaks and to hold them in such a way that they could remain aligned. The patient is taught to do exercises in spite of the pain, to make sure the bones regrow on their natural alignment, strongly and without distortion.

I realized that the surgeon in charge of my particular case had decided to do this; however, he wanted to be aided by chemical means of controlling my voluntariness in the process. He did not know that I could take the pain, so he gave me medication to take care of pain and sleep. After the first five days, at which time I stopped taking the medication, I didn't get much sleep. The pain was excruciating day and night, and the slightest movement of my right arm gave resounding reverberations throughout the rest of me. The pain spread from the broken areas throughout the body in waves that led to nauseous conditions and burnings, the like of which I have never before experienced. The slightest movement of the right shoulder sent out waves of pain. Finally I was denying the existence of the whole region that was injured and walling it off by a sort of trance technique so that I would not be the victim of the pain emanating from the injuries.

This was an automatic process that took place, but at least I was able to do it, or able to have it done to me, however you wish, without the aid of medication. My consciousness then became much clearer, much sharper, more "broadband."

There were several important episodes that I can remember that occurred during the hospital period. One time I came back, Toni was beside my bed. I begged her to get close so that I could hold on to her and stay here on this planet. She stayed by the bed for five long hours with my arms around her neck. I was able to stay here in spite of medication, in spite of the concussion and its aftereffects. Previous to this particular outside episode, the inside episodes are worth recounting.

At the times I was assumed to be in coma by the medical personnel, inside I was anything but unconscious. I was living in another domain in which I was transiting by means of various programs that I had learned previously.

In G. Spencer Brown's The Laws of Form, there is a mathematical operator or, preferably, a logical operator, called "the marked state." This is symbolized by a right-angle corner that looks like a large inverted capital L.

This operator has certain properties, which are of great interest theoretically. It is pertinent to what happened later.

The marked state operator can operate in such a way that it can be fed back through itself (self-referential property). When one uses the operator as a signal, feeding it through the operator itself, it creates an infinite series as follows: marked state, unmarked state, marked state, unmarked state, and so forth, ad infinitum.

I had learned this both from my own studies of Brown's book and from the help of the AUM Conference (see Chapter Fourteen, The Dyadic Cyclone). (This particular oscillating character of the marked state operator had been explained to us by Heinz Von Foerster at the AUM Conference.)

Also stored in my biocomputer was a language devised by Robert Edwards in his Ph.D. thesis (UCLA, 1970) entitled The Quantum Observer in a Neurally Engineered Prosthesis. This language appeared only in the first few editions of this thesis, copies of which were furnished to me for my education by Frederick Worden, M.D.

The language involved was called by Edwards "topquantese." This language was devised in order to think about the brain in terms of quantum mechanics. It is a very powerful language that allowed one to progress from the quantum mechanics of one's own nervous system on a submicroscopic scale to the assemblages of neurons known as one's brain, to one's mind and to that mind in networks of communication with other minds and so on, throughout the universe. In other words, Edwards had devised a way of transiting in the inner domains to any region that one wished to travel from the subatomic particles on through the Self into the universe.

While I was in this apparently "comatose" state (outside), I was in a hyperconscious state (inside) in which I was traveling from one domain to another. This was happening without any knowledge of having a human bodyI knew of a body in existence back on planet earth with Toni. Under these circumstances, one is still an individual consciousness but one has no present body, no present brain and no present planet earth. (It is very similar to other episodes, which I have described in

The Center of the Cyclone, in which I was in a comatose state in a hospital in New York in 1964 (Chapter 2).

I was allowed to travel through these domains by teachers, by guides, if you wish, who were programming what I was allowed to do. However, I was also told that I must use my own efforts to transit. I made a pact with the guides. In effect I said: "If you will allow me to go back to Toni, if you will allow me to live in peace on the planet earth for a certain number of years with Toni, then I will do what you want me to do for the rest of that life."

They said: "You must go back on your own efforts. What you know about transit between domains demonstrates to us that you are capable of moving from one domain to another."

I took up the challenge. I started with the marked state operator described by Brown. My consciousness was placed inside the right angle of the large inverted, capital L as it was written, as if it was a vehicle. This is rather a dangerous procedure. This meant that I was identified with the marked state, i.e., I existed. I was now riding the marked state as if it was a vehicle, but at the same time, I was the marked state. This means that I was the consciousness, the signal that was being fed through the marked state outside myself. As soon as this happened, I transited explosively into the Void. My consciousness was still intact, but there was no universe at all.

I suddenly realized that this was the first step in the infinite series of marked state, unmarked state, marked state, unmarked state, and so forth. So my consciousness then reassembled a marked state, got into the right angle and came out in another domain, i.e., came out in a new marked state.

(Brown, at the AUM Conference, said to me personally that The Laws of Form was not written as a method of going far-out. The Laws of Form is a handbook on how to get back.)

To return to the inside: "I suddenly came out into a universe. 1 was in a universe in which catastrophes were taking place. One of the marked states was the total atomic warfare on a particular planet in that universe. There was then a period of Void and then another universe of the incandescent gas around a planet and the subsequent killing of almost everything on its surface except those protected in caves.

"I am told by the guides that I am transiting from one domain to another: the transition took ten to the minus twenty-seventh-power seconds riding the Brownian marked state operator. (In retrospect, I don't know where this quantity for the transition time came from. It apparently was told to me by them.)

If one works out a few implications of this, one can see that, for example, at ten to the minus twenty-seventh seconds, light can only move three times ten to the minus ninth-power angstrom units or three times ten to the sixteenth Planck lengths.14

Translated then into human physical terms, this means that if a human body were to be exposed to some process that could take every atomic nucleus in that body and every electron in that body and transport it to an entirely new universe at these speeds that the effect (to put it mildly) would be explosive.

I was being exploded from one universe to a Void then to another universe in a sequence that apparently lasted some days. As far as I could make out from external observers, I was going in and out of consciousness every fifteen minutes, after the effect of the medication had worn off.

A rather amusing episode happened during this period of time. At one point I came back and wanted to find out what my voice sounded like under these conditions: I asked Toni to turn on a tape recorder. I then dictated to the tape the following sentence: "Joe took father's shoe bench out; meet me by the lawn."15

Toni immediately said, "Who is Joe? Does that have something to do with your brother?"

At this point I was already going back into some other universe and failed to answer the question.

In my own internal reality, what I was doing was dictating a sentence onto the tape to be subsequently analyzed by sonic spectographic methods (which I had used in the laboratory on human speech and on dolphin speech). I wanted a quantitative measure of how my voice was different under these peculiar circumstances from what it normally was.

I had not told Toni about this sentence previously; she was faced with somebody coming out of coma not making any sense whatsoever.

Another episode happened inside while I was desperately trying to move from these multiple universes to the planet earth and back into the vehicle.

It is as if several times I had to have a conference with the teachers and bargain with them and promise that when I got back I would live a peaceful quiet life with Toni. Unless I made this promise they would not let me come back.

This was a pretty horrendous series of conferences. It was like arguing with the universe itself, arguing with powers that were so much beyond any powers that we have, that there was no doubt that the only way that I could get back was to get their consent. I was desperate, I wanted to come back. I wanted to be with Toni and I wanted to live a quiet peaceful life insofar as this was possible in our time.

They were adamant that I had to do this on my own by any means that I had at my disposal. So I rode the Brownian operator back to earth and entered my body explosively several times.

I also used the "topquantese" language of Edwards in a much more developed form than I knew when I was in my vehicle on earth. Somehow the topquantese language allowed me to collapse universes into the vehicle on planet earth. I don't know how this was done; yet as I would go through a certain procedure, the universe would collapse in steps until finally it was my body and the surrounds of that body on this planet. This was a less explosive method than that of the Brownian operator.

Subsequently I asked Edwards what speed this represented and he said it was ten to the minus twenty-second-power seconds." I asked him why he had withdrawn "topquantese" from the published version of this thesis. He answered that it was because it was still explosive. Even traveling using "topquantese" I was having a problem of too high a velocity with a shocking result as I would reenter the body and then take off again out of the body.

After I had returned home from the hospital, I established contact once again with Robert Edwards and discussed this travel with him. He said, "We have learned to reduce the time transition to ten to the minus twelfth-power seconds. This is not explosive."

All of these experiences were new and unique for me in spite of much experience in far-out regions. Everything that I experienced during these five days and subsequently was brand new and startling to me. I had not realized the properties of the Brownian operator until I experienced it inside. I did not realize the properties of the topquantese language until I experienced it inside.

I summarize all of this by saying that my own belief systems are totally incredible. I cannot believe them myself in this particular state that I am intelling you about what happened.

Yet I know, somehow, that all of these episodes that I am recounting are programmed to a certain extent by my own belief systems, by the information that has been stored in me, by contacts with Brown and his writings and with Edwards and his writings.

Under the above transit circumstances, I think that each of us goes to the very limit of our own personal knowledge, of our own cognitive abilities, of our own voluntary participation, of our own Self-metaprogramming in the face of superself metaprogramming way beyond anything human.

The calculations of the speed of transition between universes, the calculation of the distance that light can travel in that very, very small time span, are useful because these are obviously quantities way beyond any of our current experiments or experiences in terms of the observer and the system observed.

In my use of the Brownian operator and in my use of top-quantese, I am realizing that the observer is a participant, is part of the system that he is observing and that he is feeding back upon himself in order to generate transitions. Only those acquainted with feedback theory in circuits can understand this adequately. Let me illustrate.

If one has an amplifier (say a stereo hi-fi amplifier) and one wishes to make this amplifier respond in a highly linear fashion so that the input and the output match each other's form to a very small fraction, one introduces negative feedback overall; in other words, one introduces part of the output back into the input in such a phase relationship to incoming signals that there is a reduction of output by means of the added input. This is called negative feedback. Positive feedback overall leads to oscillation of the system and uses very large amounts of energy. So negative feedback is safe, controlling and gives characteristics to the amplifier that it couldn't have otherwise. Positive feedback leads to new states.

Similarly, feedback on the observer's own knowledge can be either positive or negative in the above sense. If the feedback is of the Brownian type, the observer is transported willy-nilly into the Void and then into another domain. Using the Brownian operator, one goes from one's current universe to the Void and then to any other universe.

Why ten to the minus twenty-seventh-power seconds for this transition? Because that is the time that one is allowed as a sub-submicroscopic entity to move into the structure of space and space-time itself and still maintain a conscious minimum size organization of Self.

If one is going to travel from this universe to another one, one can reduce the size of the observer to an incredibly small sizein other words, three times ten to the sixteenth Planck lengths. One at this size is a good deal smaller than any atomic nucleus. When one has reduced one's conscious observer to this size, one's "subquantum observer" is smaller than any known particle. He can move into the indeterminate (unknown) substructure of space, space-time and topology that exists at ten to the minus thirty-third-power centimeters, which is ten to the minus twenty-fifth-power angstrom units. When he is so reduced, he then has the ability to travel (at the velocity of light or possibly faster?) for very short distances, i.e., of the order of three times ten to the sixteenth Planck lengths.

(To review some of the basic physical theory, not including the subquantum observer, I refer you to John Archibald Wheeler's article, "From Mendeleev's Atom to the Collapsing Star," from Transactions of the New York Academy of Sciences, New York Academy of Sciences, series 2, volume 33, no 8, New York, December, 1971. In this article he explains the matter of the Planck lengths and the structure of space and spacetime and topology.)

In other words, a point of individual consciousness down at these levels can move from one domain to another; there is no determinacy as to where that point of consciousness is going. There is no certainty as to what universe that point of consciousness will enter. At these small sizes, space itself is indeterminate; one can move through galaxies, through universes, by going to this size and even move with far greater speed than the velocity of light. In other words, at these levels there seem to be doorways into other universes, doorways of very, very small size, but nonetheless, doorways.

When one is traveling with the Brownian operator and with topquantese one is a very, very small operator. One is a subquantum operator, if you wish, subquantum in the sense of material matter, not subquantum in the terms of consciousness. One is still a full quantum of consciousness in the point. Thus what we are doing here is specifying the quantum of consciousness that is minimal for a human operator.

Human is hardly the term for this; I don't like the word subhumanthat has connotations that I want to avoid. This quantum of consciousness is of such incredibly small size that we can call it "the indeterminate-determinate consciousness operator." This is the infinitesimal (in the "infinitesimal calculus" sense) of consciousness. This is the minimum size for consciousness in order to travel between universes. If conscious-ness-without-an-object of Merrell-Wolff16 has a granular structure, this is it. This means that consciousness in this universe and in others, travels with high velocities at this particular level of size. There is apparently a network of instantaneous transmission for consciousness at this particular level at these very small sizes.

It is almost inconceivable to realize that that particular speck of consciousness carries with it all of the knowledge stored in the vehicle back on earth. This theory calls for access to the knowledge of the vehicle on the part of this infinitesimal operator.

Of course one can also assume that all of this takes place inside the vehicle and that these are "as ifs." These are simulations attempting to explain what happens to one's self under such "concussed" circumstances. I will not argue this. To an outside medical observer this is a very reasonable explanation; however, to the inside observer participating in these experiences, this explanation is totally inadequate in the sense that one had no knowledge whatsoever of the vehicle except that it was in some distant place and one was trying to get back to it at certain times. At other times, one was not trying to get back, and was obviously somewhere out there "enjoying" the experiences in a state of High Indifference. My pact with the teachers or the guides (to come back to Toni and live a quiet life on this planet) could be interpreted as the survival mechanisms of my particular vehicle wanting to come back to a consciousness with which it was acquainted and content.

My closest friends were puzzled because I was unable to tell them what was happening. I was reluctant to tell anyone what was happening because of my knowledge of the way such people are treated on this planet when they are in these states.

As soon as possible, I got myself released from the hospital, went home with a male nurse and set up a wheelchair in my living room in which I sat day and night for several days. Finally I rented a hospital bed. I sat at a forty-five degree incline on this bed day and night for several weeks. I gradually learned to walk again; I gradually learned to go to the bathroom again; and with the help of the nurse, I was able to bathe.

Gradually I came back into a normally functioning life on this planet. I am still not back one hundred percent. I still have a problem with my right shoulder. It will be many months before there is normal function reestablished; it will be many months if not years before the bones are back to their normal length, size and shape.

I have been through the most prolonged and intense pain that I have ever experienced in my whole life. I feel that I have paid the price for what I call "the year of Samadhi," for the year I spent previously, giving little attention to the external reality (see Chapter Eighteen).

Somehow the universe seems to take the integral of one's life. If one moves too far in one direction, one must then compensate by moving too far in the opposite direction for a time in order that one achieve a final average balance, which is humanly possible. In other words, for the year of Samadhi where I gave up my voluntary participation in our culture, and took on an inner set of realities to the exclusion of the external realities, I had to pay by giving attention for an equal period of time to the vehicle and its requirements. The total balance over a two-year period looks as if there is some process by which compensatory adjustments are made and a final steady state achieved in spite of the very large transients to which one has been exposed.

As Toni says "Life is a balance game." Here I am attempting to make more quantitative and more precise her statement. One knows intuitively that she is correct, but I wish to render more conscious the actual factors involved in "the balance game." One of my moves lasted a year, the year of Samadhi. So the compensatory movement to achieve a balance requires another yearof recovery, of healing, of being helped and of being restored to somewhat one's former self or possibly beyond what one's former self was.

In other words, to successfully navigate a human vehicle, one must be aware of the balancing net effect over all of one's lifetime. The universe will not allow that vehicle to deviate too far in any one direction without putting in a correction in the other direction and thus achieving balance. A lot of the balancing factors are built into our social structure as such. One is forced to achieve balance by certain means available within our culture: medical means, legal means, political means, personal hygiene means and so forth.

I hope to do a more thorough job on the analysis of the Decker Canyon accident in a future book. Currently I am keeping the description within the confines of this book, written with Toni.


Toni \ s Inner-Outer Development Leading to a Tank Experience | The dyadic cyclone the autobiography of a couple | Chapter Thirteen The Search for Reality







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